I Have Faith

July 15^th 12am

 “I have faith. Faith in our wondrous capacity for hope and good, love and trust, healing and forgiveness. Faith in the blessing of our infinite ability to wonder, question, pray, feel, think and learn. I have faith. Faith in the infinite possibilities of the human spirit!”

~James Brown-Starbucks cup

Emmy award winning sports caster of the NFL

 Since middle school I have been looking for religion, or for faith for that matter. I was the most confused child, raised with an atheist as a father and my mother, who defies all explanation or labels. The only sleep away camp I ever attended was a Baptist camp, where at the end of that week I was picked up by my parents hysterically crying because a counselor had told me that no matter what, Jesus was the only human available to heaven, and that I would never make it. If you were born with original sin, as was every human, you could never make it to God’s holy cafeteria, or heaven as it was called. I then attended Catholic school from 7^th grade to my senior year of high school, where every question I had about religion was disputed or not answered. Apparently blind faith is something you have to be born with, and skepticism just draws bad attention towards you. This made me so confused as a kid. I went through a stage where I wanted to enter the convent because I thought it as my only chance at blind faith, at redemption. From that point on I was skeptical, and asked as many questions as I could to understand religion, but was shot down every time I tried to make sense of the religion classes I was put through in catholic school. Eventually, after being told “no” so many times, and after being told that hell was inevitable, I just let go. I think after I heard that I was going to hell because my mom was a catholic and my dad was an atheist, I just let go, and actually started to enjoy my life as a heathen. What’s a kid to do with no faith in Christ? Nothing, actually, except to just let go and say, “screw it: Since then I have been missing a large portion of my life in terms of religion but I have learned to handle it. It was not until this trip that I met people so loving, so open to religion that it made me a bit jealous. I have long been past the point of belief in a higher power, at my point in my life I have just let go, but it’s nice to see people my age that have embraced religion and still have faith. I am completely non-judgmental, probably because of how open my mother was to all walks of life, and I feel that it is silly to think that someone will judge me when I reach the end of my days. I feel like I embrace many aspects of the Christian lifestyle, like helping others, and trying to reach the best of my potential, but I lack any sort of judgment. For example, in Uganda, it is completely illegal to be homosexual, if you are caught in a homosexual act you will be given a life term of imprisonment. To me, this is ridiculous. This doesn’t affect my life, and I know many homosexual people, especially after this trip, that would be amazing with a family. I think it’s pretty self-righteous to believe that any of us can judge anyone else; I have even spoken about it in this blog. As far as humanitarian work is concerned, how selfless can you be if you are doing work for a higher power? Isn’t the end result a ticket into “heaven?” I think it is very obvious that I am confused about my faith but I believe that more than anything, I am positive that I do not believe in a “higher” power, because I do not think anything in the universe should be considered higher or lower than anything else. I don’t think that a cricket in the grass should be considered higher than the president of Uganda, or the United States for that matter. When I saw the quote about faith on the wall of the IC house it hit me like a ton of bricks because finally I had found something, if not an organized religion, but a quote on a wall that illustrated how I felt about faith. I may no longer have faith in a higher power, or a “heaven”, but I do have faith in the capacity of human beings to make miracles happen, and to change the world. Baby steps, and we can do it. 

 OK, I am going to try and remember details from this past weekend and today, because I’ve wanted to blog and remember every memory, but have been so busy and caught up in the moment that it has been impossible to get to my computer. I am sitting here, listening to “August in Bethany” by the Juliana Theory on my Ipod, kind of missing the States, trying to recount every detail of my amazing weekend.

 Lets start with Saturday. In the morning we had to be at the IC house at 9am to discuss Pedagogy of the Oppressed with the entire group and Amy and Catherine. I have to admit; I only read 3 of the four chapters because after reading Econimic Hitman, it was pretty dull in comparison. Amy put 4 sheets of paper on four tables and put a quote on each, and had us walk around and read each quote while writing our thoughts down about what we thought each quote meant and how it was relative to our trip thus far. The quotes brought about a really good discussion about the lack of dialogue between Ugandan teachers and their students, and how important communication is between teachers, their students and their communities.

 After the talk, many of us walked into town to find food, and I personally spear headed an expedition to find a restaurant called the “Pork Joint” that is a cult classic among male IC employees in Uganda. You know me, if it’s unhealthy and a cult classic, I’m down for it. Unfortunately, it took me a little while to find the place, as my keen sense of direction isn’t so keen in Uganda, so by the time I found it only Josh, Phil, Sarah and I were left in the expedition. I’m glad they stuck through it with me though, because I DID find it, and for 2,000 shillings each of us got a plate of amazing char grilled pork, cassava, cabbage and tomatoes. It was definitely the best 2,000 shillings I have spent since I’ve been here. Afterwards, Sarah and I headed to the market to buy food supplies for the American Picnic we had on Sunday, and bought what we needed for the Guacamole we were going to make. I have to admit, I felt super comfortable making guac with Sarah, as she lives 15 minutes from Mexico in San Diego, so I was pretty confident that it would turn out great, and it did.

 At 1pm we all met back at the IC house, loaded up 2 Mutatus and headed over to Fort Patiko for a day of exploring and adventure. Fort Patiko is an area that was dominated by the Arabs during the slave trade of the 1850’s. They set up camp there and would use Ugandans to help them transport ivory to European and Arab countries, and I have to say that this was the first tour I ever took that was not “sugarcoated” at all. We were shown where slaves were housed in jail cells made of rocks, where they were beheaded and where they were shot by firing squad. We even saw blood stains on the rocks where the Arabs would behead them and smash their heads into the rocks with their heels. It was completely surreal, definitely not your standard, “Battleship NJ” tour.

After the tour we went on a hike to the top of a mountain behind the fort, and it was such an experience to climb 3,000 feet and just look out onto the top of the world. If I looked directly out I could see the border of Sudan and to my left the border of the Congo. I thanked God every step that I had bought those expensive hiking shoes from Northface, and that I had my jeans on. However, it put it all into perspective when some local village boys followed us to the top of the mountain with just shorts and no shoes on. They really put us to shame. At one point, I stopped following the tour guide and just followed the boys because not only could they climb to the top of the mountain with no shoes on, they knew a better way that was easier anyway.

 Above everyting else, the best part of the trip for me was how close I became with Kyle and Sarah, we had such a great time together. When we got back from the hike Amy had a great BBQ prepared for us with tons of beer and BBQ’d vegetables, and I thoroughly enjoyed some Chipati, grilled eggplant and pineapple. Sarah and I took our Nile Special’s back up to the top of the rocks to watch the sunset while Kyle watched a soccer game that the locals were having at the Fort. We took pictures of each other climbing the rocks with our bottles of beer and just had a great time getting to know each other better. I really love her so much, and haven’t felt so comfortable with someone since I have been here. It took us a few days to figure out that neither of us has any judgment in our hearts, and once we let that go we just bonded. She is an amazing woman and I love her to death. Kind of figures that the two special ed teachers would bond so well on this trip.

 On the way home I did something that I haven’t done in a very long time, or not comfortably at least. I put my ipod on, listened to some music and just thought about my mother. Thank god it was dark, and I could get away with it without drawing any attention to myself, but I just sat in the back of that Mutatu, listened to Muse and Brandi Carlisle, and just let the tears pour. I miss my mom so much sometimes it kills me, and I know how much she would have loved to see what I am witnessing everyday. I may not believe in a heaven, but I believe that everything I see for the rest of my life can be a tribute to her and her spirit. It’s not often that I can let go like that and just feel pure emotion, I usually stop myself, but in the back of that Mutatu I just let go.

 On Sunday we had an American Picnic at the IC house for us and our teachers. Sarah and I arrived at the house around 12, and already everyone was in the kitchen cooking and contributing their own recipes from home. Aaron made amazing enchiladas with Top Up, the best spicy sauce ever (don’t worry Kristen, I’m totally bringing some home)! Jo made homemade apple pie, and we had Nile Specials and Bell beers galore. Alice didn’t come until 2:30, so she missed much of the American food, but Kyle, Casey and I went to her house that morning for breakfast so we had already seen her. The picnic went really well, and I was surprised that most of the Ugandan teachers enjoyed the American food, which is usually not the case. Nancy and the girls from Christ the King (our home) came by and the girls DOMINATED at volleyball, I was so proud of them. I myself prefer some Frisbee if I am going to play sports at all, but Alice and I were content to just watch.

 The American students who won the Schools-for Schools competition were arriving that day at 4, so the kids from Heals came and danced for them (and all of us), and we were able to meet and talk to them. I met the girl whose school raised money for St. Mary’s Lacor where I work, and she is from a small school in Tennessee. Tonight (Monday) we went to a dinner for the high school kids at the Acholi Inn.

 Well, now it is insanely late and I have been typing so much everyone has already gone to bed. I think I’ll try and get to the Internet early and post this but maybe not, we’ll see. I have 2 weeks left in Gulu and every day I say that I can’t believe how fast this trip is going. Before I know it I’ll be standing on a platform over the Nile ready to bungee jump into it.

Goodnight, and remember, faith isn’t what is given to you; it’s what you make it.